Service Satirist Gifts

Please take a number. Any day now.

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

'To absent waiters!'

"Now you've finished your desserts, can I interest you in some chewing gum?"

Please Wait Here To be Served

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"Exceeding customers expectations is made easier when they, generally speaking, expect us to be rubbish!"

"I don't know why they call you a waiter... I'm the one that's been doing all the waiting!"

"It's a temporary austerity measure, sir - There's a ten-day waiting period for withdrawals."

'If you want useless blah blah blah from an impolite, worked-up service agent, press 1. If you want useful information given by a competent and motivated service agent, please call our competitors.'

"The booths are for parties of four or more."

'Our customer service is impeccable. Please bus your own tables.'

'Just like the sign says...you only pay for the gas!'

'Where do I go to complain about you?'

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Waiter, there's a tar ball in my soup.'

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"It's my helper trout!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"Let me take that for you."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Would you like a room on the sunny side, sir? Haha, just kidding!'

"Hello, my name is Eddie and I will be your customer tonight."

"Potatoes too salty? Look, buster ??" I told you to enjoy your meal!"

We Offer Fast, Friendly Or Quality Service! "So, which one do you want?"

'Don't worry, he always feigns death when it comes to tipping.'

'We're well known for serving only the freshest mineral water, Madame.'

'I'll be back to take your order as soon as I've eaten.'

'Tellers laughing ' 'Can I have my statement?'

Royal Mail Privatisation

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

"If your internet doesn't work, please check our online help chat...if your internet doesn't work..."