Customer Service Satirist Gifts

"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you."

'This confession may be recorded for quality assurance.'

'Must be a personal call - she snarls at the customers!'

Yes, this is your VAT inspector.

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

"If your internet doesn't work, please check our online help chat...if your internet doesn't work..."

'Would you like a room on the sunny side, sir? Haha, just kidding!'

"I'm sorry, madam, but the use of our toys by a child voids the guarantee."

Self-serve Complaint Kiosk

"We're cutting you off, none of our operators are game eough to talk to anyone willing to remain on hold for that long."

"This is a recorded message. You are in a queue. For opening times, press 1. For prices, press 2. For complaints, press: 564387654487665437554389..."

"Trainee lesson no. 1...if you look busy, no one will bother you."

"Hold on, while I connect you to 'ignore'."

"Excuse me. I think you'll find, I was before you!"

'Everything works fine? Don't worry, sir! We'll mess it up for you!'

Visiting the complaints department.

'Did somebody order a Grumpy Meal?'

"Do you mind listening to 'Eine Kleine Holdmusik'?"

Satan gets his pictures back from the photo lab.

'Tellers laughing ' 'Can I have my statement?'

Customer Avoidance Dept.

Sick again. Add that to your list!

"But the good news is that if you get a life threatening illness...then you'd get a decent payout."

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

"Not more sleeve alterations?!"

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

'We'll get our food....eventually.'

Waiter' You betta stop that food fight, you SILLY fools! Here comes the Maitre D' !'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'