Customer Service Satire Lover Gifts

Complaints Department

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"Our medical benefits are quite limited, basically we send you a memo telling you to take more exercise."

"But I already asked the other parent company. They told me to ask you."

"So from the top. If they need urgent help it's form AC/765c, criticl interventions are CV/U657's and..."

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

"Not more sleeve alterations?!"

Waste Management.

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'As the intern, it'll be your job to work for free.'

"If you work real hard and are willing to put in the hours, the sky's the limit."

'We've decided to upgrade your position with a new version 2.0 employee.'

'At least I feel better in my mind about why Hartnett wasn't returning my calls.'

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

'It's so much better since business became computerized -- it was so hard to blame things on typewriters.'

'Remember Jones, the customer is always right, no matter how stupid and ignorant he may be.'

"Congratulations J.L., I hear you're getting another 'really' in your title."

'Well, Sylvester, I think we'll show a profit this quarter now that we've eliminated our overloaded payroll.'

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"In this corporation, Mr. Taylor, at this level we do not do shirtsleeves."

Suggestions/Terms and Conditions

"Accounts say that we can't afford to buy staff loyalty but we might be able to rent it."

'Would you like a room on the sunny side, sir? Haha, just kidding!'

'All those in favor of standing and giving me a slow clap...'