Humor In Seriousness Gifts

"Let me put it this way - I wouldn't buy any bananas that are too green."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

Sign in Lion Enclosure: 'Please Don't Eat the People.'

Trump

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

Justitia, the goddess of justice, is picking a dollar bill from the ground.

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

"...but, seriously..."

'How is this for a headline: Climate change denial blogs cause further global warming.'

"It's called 'A Package Holiday'"

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

"I bark and I bark and I bark, and yet, somehow, I'm still unhappy."

'It'll make 'feet' obsolete!'

'Stop complaining. We can't afford business class any more.'

'Constant euphoria is bound to cause some issues.'

"Apparently, the new boss isn't exactly a barrel of laughs."

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'Oh, how moving, it's a woodland burial, Dennis.'

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

"I just can't seem to get into the spirit of the thing."

'How much is it doc?' 'Fif...fif...fif...seventy five dollars.'

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

Shoveling Snow

'I hate to let you go, but I can't afford an astrologer AND a spin doctor.'

'You see a problem, I see a challenge. Let's quit whining over knife crime and start taxing knives!'

"The fax machine ate my homework."

'...And a bottle of Bollinger '61 if you please Fred...'

At first she didn't want to live if it meant being attached to tubes. But before you knew it, they were getting along just fine.