Doorstep Dining Detectives T-Shirts

"We keep getting billed from DoorDash. Who here has been ordering all this food?"

Try to guess the continent dining...

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

GM Crops Genie.

"Don't tell him anything."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

CSI Fridays

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

'Mine was stone cold.'

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

Horse meat scandal.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"