Divine Orator Gifts

"Pastor, we think it's time for your sabbatical."

"With your rhetorical skills, young man, do you realize that you could become a mogul?"

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

'...We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause..."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

Local News in Heaven

'Are you sure You can be objective? -After all, You did CREATE them.'

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

"If everything is God's will, tell me again why I need to study for exams?"

'To make sure I get noticed I always talk in a big bold typeface.'

"Beware of God"

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"I'm an agnostic now that I've started having self doubts."

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

"So join me in prayer for those who are damned if they do and damned if they don't..."

William Pitt the Elder

"They have to clean her up before they show her to God."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

"The amendments are coming next week!"

'Just one God? - But won't he be outnumbered?'

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

Jesus wept

"If he doesn't like the hand puppet routine, I'll try running the burning bush idea by him."

'Sorry, pastor, your soul's grace period is eternity, your car's is six minutes.'