Discretion Humorist Gifts

'You had me at 'warning'.'

Ethics exam cheater.

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

Various Traps.

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

This is our 36th nap today - I can't read you a bedtime story EVERY time.

One latte? That'll be $4.50. That apple fritter sounds good. I'll have that too. Ok. Anything else? No, that's it. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. That's all. That'll be $9.00 even. Ooh, are those macaroons fresh? I'll have a macaroon too. One latte, one apple fritter and one macaroon, and that's it. Well what are you waiting for? I don't have all day.

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

'I dressed myself.'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'What? Didn't your parents ever tell you who delivers babies???'

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

'I've had my eye on you, Johnson, you really know how to scurry about aimlessly.'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

House of Waffling

'No, I don't remember asking you to move in with me. Not only that, I don't remember who you are!'

National Mom Monument.

"Three junior meals and a vasectomy, please."

Baby Clothes.

Hairy father with a bald baby.

"Please ... let me get a new hair dryer!"

'It's so I don't lose the kids in the long grass...'

"I help as much as I can with the baby: I'm always the first to smell when the baby needs changing..."

"Dad, I'm water hungry."

'You've got to help me, Doc -- I keep switching long-distance companies!'

Break Bread, Not Wind.

"Can I borrow the car and the last four digits of your social...?"

Cheeky Devil and Thief LTD

"I'll call you back. I'm in the middle of a make-over."