Discretion Humorist Pillows

'You had me at 'warning'.'

Ethics exam cheater.

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

Various Traps.

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

'I dressed myself.'

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

House of Waffling

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'I've had my eye on you, Johnson, you really know how to scurry about aimlessly.'

'No, I don't remember asking you to move in with me. Not only that, I don't remember who you are!'

"Three junior meals and a vasectomy, please."

Hairy father with a bald baby.

'You've got to help me, Doc -- I keep switching long-distance companies!'

'It's so I don't lose the kids in the long grass...'

"I help as much as I can with the baby: I'm always the first to smell when the baby needs changing..."

"Dad, I'm water hungry."

Baby Clothes.

"Can I borrow the car and the last four digits of your social...?"

"Please ... let me get a new hair dryer!"

Cheeky Devil and Thief LTD

"I'll call you back. I'm in the middle of a make-over."

'Thank you for calling the attention deficit disorder hotline. . . please continue to hold. . .'