Controversy Comedist Pillows

'Tunnel of things that Dr Laura opposes'

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

“Pottery Classes – Give it a Whirl!”

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"The last doggy bag."

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'Remember that Op-Ed piece you wrote last month?...'

Monet At Open Mic Night

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

Comedy Rule

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

The Occupy a Barstool Movement.

'How'd the negotiations go? Take a wild guess.'

Frankenstein wears a t-shirt that states: 'Just say no to stem cell research.'

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

'Do you notice when it's forty below, people quit kicking the oil companies?'

'Want to have a snow ball battle?'

'So there's a fly in your beer — why begrudge a fellow creature a little happiness?'

'My career goals? Writing political attack ads would combine my love of blogging and bullying.'

"Sometimes I think you guys don't want peace."

The Kommander in Khief

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

The Slumber Party.

But the brochures says breakfast in bed! Yes, only if you carry your bed down to the dining room!

'Of course, the really big money is in junk science.'

'Rick Perry's Execution Record!'

'Knee him in the groin - it always works.'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

"I'm hoping that once we enter the Bronze Age I'll be able to get a better likeness of you."