Contradiction Comedian Pillows

"Being vague and general?" "No, that's the first law of psychics, I want the law of phsics."

Japanese woman in minimalist house reads 'How to Clutter Your Life'

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

LOOK BHIND U!

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"No aliens"

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

"Just junk mail."

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'How'd the negotiations go? Take a wild guess.'

Two friars ringing bells

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

'Want to have a snow ball battle?'

'What the... I told the dating agency to send serious candidates only!!'

"My door is always open, Truscot, so don't go near it!"

"On the other hand, he's really good on infrastructure and tax reform."

"Actually, I'm from New Jersey. The nickname comes from thirty years in the textile business."

"I'll call you back. I'm in the middle of a make-over."

Welcome to Las Vegas - a faith-based community.

'Thank you for calling the attention deficit disorder hotline. . . please continue to hold. . .'

"Do you have anything fit for a King?"

Unsuitable hospital reading material.

'Knee him in the groin - it always works.'

'Rodney, I don't know what to make of you. You're bored by excitement, and excited by boredom.'

'I told you that 'will of the people' stuff would backfire!'

I am NOT a serial killer...

"I feel an intense pride, Robert, that I live in a country rich enough to have war and peace at the same time."

Self help tape - listening skills

'Traitor! I hate you!'

"The odd thing is that I'm not really a cat person."

Scavenenger's hunt.

'I've been here so long I don't remember what I did, but it had something to do with non-compliance.'

Passive-aggressive street signs