Contradiction Comedian T-Shirts

"Being vague and general?" "No, that's the first law of psychics, I want the law of phsics."

Japanese woman in minimalist house reads 'How to Clutter Your Life'

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

LOOK BHIND U!

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"No aliens"

"Just junk mail."

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

Two friars ringing bells

'How'd the negotiations go? Take a wild guess.'

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'Want to have a snow ball battle?'

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

"My door is always open, Truscot, so don't go near it!"

'What the... I told the dating agency to send serious candidates only!!'

"On the other hand, he's really good on infrastructure and tax reform."

"Actually, I'm from New Jersey. The nickname comes from thirty years in the textile business."

"I'll call you back. I'm in the middle of a make-over."

'Knee him in the groin - it always works.'

'Thank you for calling the attention deficit disorder hotline. . . please continue to hold. . .'

Welcome to Las Vegas - a faith-based community.

"Do you have anything fit for a King?"

'Rodney, I don't know what to make of you. You're bored by excitement, and excited by boredom.'

Unsuitable hospital reading material.

'I told you that 'will of the people' stuff would backfire!'

I am NOT a serial killer...

Self help tape - listening skills

"No Chateau Lafite '62? Guess I'll have a brewskie."

"The odd thing is that I'm not really a cat person."

Scavenenger's hunt.

'Traitor! I hate you!'

"I feel an intense pride, Robert, that I live in a country rich enough to have war and peace at the same time."

'I've been here so long I don't remember what I did, but it had something to do with non-compliance.'