Decorating Detective Gifts

Paint. I can't decide between Blood of my Enemies and Candy Apple Red.

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Painting by the numbers for adults

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

Painting the Ceiling

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

Face Painting.

"I'm starting to think stripes."

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'Quick, press control Z!'

"My pillow mania got out of control so I'm limiting myself to just one at a time."

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

Redecorating Easter Island.

'I wanted a change in decor.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Hon, do you think the accent wall was a mistake?"

"Who should we have at eye level this month?"

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"Love your feng shui!"

'Here you are. I got tired of making you endless cups of tea..!'

'Hello, Robinson Crusoe here, I'd like my kitchen finished by Friday.'

"When we asked you to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, Michaelangelo, we were hoping you'd snazz it up."

Curtains haberdashery

"Well, I didn't have any more wall space, and I was also tired of being bald."