Dealing With Relationship Issues Gifts

'How do I know you've been cheating? I'll tell you how...Aphids, Jenny! The doctor said I have aphids!! Ho! Ho! Ho!'

"O.K., class, next we'll pound out the dough until that ungrateful, self-centered son of a bitch realizes he's not the center of the world, and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't deserve an attractive, well-educated woman with a wonderful sense of humor."

"Can we not argue in public? Buzz me up and let's discuss this calmly."

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

Welcome to the Ask Sadie Radio Advice Hour. You're on Vancouver. It's my boyfriend. He's so distant. No emotionally

'My profile says 'In a relationship', but his says 'It's complicated'.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'You know too much!'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'Great Therapy!'

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"We don't talk anymore."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."