Dealing With Relationship Issues Pillows

'How do I know you've been cheating? I'll tell you how...Aphids, Jenny! The doctor said I have aphids!! Ho! Ho! Ho!'

"O.K., class, next we'll pound out the dough until that ungrateful, self-centered son of a bitch realizes he's not the center of the world, and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't deserve an attractive, well-educated woman with a wonderful sense of humor."

"Can we not argue in public? Buzz me up and let's discuss this calmly."

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

'My profile says 'In a relationship', but his says 'It's complicated'.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'You know too much!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'Great Therapy!'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"We don't talk anymore."

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"What do you mean?! That apology is the best piece of fiction I've ever written!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."