Data Manipulator Gifts

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

Information Tightrope.

Propping up a profits chart.

'Tell them there'll be no retaliation, then check with the chiefs of staff, the media and our major allies what leeway we have in the adapted dissuasion department.'

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

"How long do you think we'll get away with it?"

'He's out massaging,manipulating and monopolising.'

Turning a business graph around to get a positive reading.

'And Fenwick, those pesky third quarter stats? Don't tweak 'em �' torque 'em!'

'The Sales Figures for this month aren't looking too healthy - any ideas?'

"You're on kid. Break a string!"

"Miss Wythenshawe? Can I leave early, my brain is full."

"A huge breakthrough from our research and development team. . . they've figure out a way to fool all of the people all of the time!"

'Does Santa have skype?. . . I'd like to get in some face time, so he puts me at the top of his list come December. . .'

"I'm a dynamic pricing consultant."

Better phone upstairs for the latest figures.

Boss, the health inspector is here. Excellent. My hacker just finished restoring all the inspector's social media posts dating back to 1994. Tell him "It'd be a shame if someone's career were ruined by a 20-year-old video of him doing the Macarena in the buff." Don't wink too much. But not too little, either. Very bad man.

"Someday all these anonymous accounts will belong to shell companies of which you will deny all knowledge."

'Freddie, the Little Merger Mogul, didn't expect to have a monopoly right away...'

"Ralph's over-interpreting the data again."

'Sims, thought it was the data, but it's actually you that's flawed.'

Those graphs really do disguise this year's true results. Well done.

'A spin doctor just isn't enough any more, Senator - you need a choreographer.'

"Crunch the numbers to dust so I can tell the auditor that the answers are blowing in the wind."

'He's been trying to control the television for years.'

"If we increase the price by fifteen per cent we'll be able to give bigger discounts."

'I would like to be able to refer to this statistical graph, but I have math anxiety.'

Sally, Jim - you'll handle daily speech writing. Vince, as usual, will be in charge of attack ads.'

Spin doctor arriving at an emergency.

Genetic Meddling - sparrow sharks