Media Manipulator Gifts

Sally, Jim - you'll handle daily speech writing. Vince, as usual, will be in charge of attack ads.'

'It might help with our friends in the media if you hang that upside down.'

'A spin doctor just isn't enough any more, Senator - you need a choreographer.'

We've done it. Our fake video of you being nice to Rudy has ruined your reputation. You're a weirdo. Your ratings are booming. Listeners can't get enough. They wonder if you're a fraud, think you're more human, imagine they might be superior to you. Time for Part 2. I don't want to know. You fake your redemption and we start selling t-shirts. I want 25% and I won't give or receive any hugs.

Which one of you devils sabotaged my television coverage? Randy, I know it wasn't you because you're too stupid to figure that out. Wrong! Really? You fell for that? Stupid, no; egoistic, to a fault.

Ernie McKelvey, moments before his life is touched by scandal.

'Tell them there'll be no retaliation, then check with the chiefs of staff, the media and our major allies what leeway we have in the adapted dissuasion department.'

'He's been trying to control the television for years.'

"A huge breakthrough from our research and development team. . . they've figure out a way to fool all of the people all of the time!"

'How fast can you hype?'

"Mr Frimley will see you now."

'Me? Dislocated thumb from switching channels to catch all the Olympic events. . .'

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'Let's pretend I'm a business owner and you're the janitorial service...'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'I caught him watching tv, surfing the net, and playing video games ..book him!'

King Solomon's Pollster.

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

Books and Phones

Nun reading 'Halo' magazine

"Whoa, too much information!"

Boss, the health inspector is here. Excellent. My hacker just finished restoring all the inspector's social media posts dating back to 1994. Tell him "It'd be a shame if someone's career were ruined by a 20-year-old video of him doing the Macarena in the buff." Don't wink too much. But not too little, either. Very bad man.

'I hate technology!'

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

'Does Santa have skype?. . . I'd like to get in some face time, so he puts me at the top of his list come December. . .'

"Actually, minister, as long as you say 'strong and stable, you can fill the rest with any old b*llocks!"

Man holding up a cowboy with his TV remote control.

This red button is for EMERGENCIES...if anything terrible happens to a patient then press it and you'll have a media management team here in minutes.''

Conservative media training.

Throw-Your-Voice Mail.

"Here's your words for today ladies."

Library computer center: CYBRARIAN.

'Don't worry, Mom - I'll do my book report during the next commercial.'

'I'm in P.R. This is where I keep the spin.'

Yes, sir, we allow substitutions. Great! Okay, instead of lima beans, I'd like to substitute a beer at your place.