Cynical Smoker Gifts

"I'm gonna smoke 20 years worth of cigarettes in one go to save time..."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Professional woman in pub

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

Will Self deprecation

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

'So OK. . . I should quit smoking, but I scratched that off my bucket list years ago!'

'That's it?'

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

"I suppose you heard about the crazy smoker who wound in a menthol hospital?"

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

Identity Parade - Smoker.

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

"Why do you hate leap years?"