Cynical Smoker Gifts

"I'm gonna smoke 20 years worth of cigarettes in one go to save time..."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Professional woman in pub

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

Will Self deprecation

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

'So OK. . . I should quit smoking, but I scratched that off my bucket list years ago!'

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'That's it?'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"I suppose you heard about the crazy smoker who wound in a menthol hospital?"

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

Identity Parade - Smoker.

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

"What about this: we steal from the rich and give it to political action committees?"