Cigarette Cynic Gifts

'Of course these lighters doesn't work. They're especially made for non-smokers!'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Comments are turned off."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"I see, Mr. Pipkins, we're back on the bourbon and smoking through glazed doughnuts."

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Safety first - be aware of what is around you.

Obama builds own gallows.

"Love it! 'People of smoke' instead of 'Smokers.' "

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Excuse me,sir-those wouldn't happen to be your cigarette butts,would they?'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'If you want to smoke, you'll have to go outside.'

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'Here's an over-the-counter prescription for your nerves. Have your bartender fill it.'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

Warning.

''Stop smoking'? -- but my psychiatrist just told me to start!'

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

"I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in here sir. We consider it unhygenic."

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"Am I covered for the brain cell damage caused by your TV commercials?"