Cigarette Cynic Gifts

'Of course these lighters doesn't work. They're especially made for non-smokers!'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Comments are turned off."

"I see, Mr. Pipkins, we're back on the bourbon and smoking through glazed doughnuts."

Safety first - be aware of what is around you.

Obama builds own gallows.

"Love it! 'People of smoke' instead of 'Smokers.' "

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Excuse me,sir-those wouldn't happen to be your cigarette butts,would they?'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'If you want to smoke, you'll have to go outside.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'Here's an over-the-counter prescription for your nerves. Have your bartender fill it.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

''Stop smoking'? -- but my psychiatrist just told me to start!'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

Warning.

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

"Am I covered for the brain cell damage caused by your TV commercials?"

'You have hypochondria... are you allergic to placebo?'

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in here sir. We consider it unhygenic."