Medication Cynic Gifts

'Here's an over-the-counter prescription for your nerves. Have your bartender fill it.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

Someday

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Born Cynical,,,,