Medication Cynic Prints

'Here's an over-the-counter prescription for your nerves. Have your bartender fill it.'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."