Medical Process Cynic Gifts

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

The Forever Stamp

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'