Medical Process Cynic Gifts

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

Someday

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'