Healthcare Cynic Gifts

"I'll want to run a few tests on you, just to cover my ass."

"I'm not very good at delivering bad news so you're perfectly fine."

'You can go home now. We've run out of tests.'

"So...I totally botched your surgery, but let's not get bogged down with recriminations and blame. It's time to unify."

"Zero is not only how much the premiums are, but also what the plan covers."

'The patient in room 2070 is looking too comfortable. Go give her a shot or something.'

"Try this – I just bought a hundred shares."

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"...The FDA just released the pill that would've saved your life!"

'Your insurance doesn't cover the sniffles ? come back when it develops into something more serious.'

"I checked in with a broken hip...the food poisoning came later."

What do you mean, 'miracle drug'? It's made an enormous profit for us!

'Well he may be dead, but according to the governments new 'wellness' survey he's pretty happy about it.'

"I want to have that operation I heard about on All Things Considered."

"For older patients like you who are running out of money, I prescribe red meat, fat, and booze."

"I want to see you again in two weeks. Any longer and your condition might clear up on its own."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

To talk of a 'postcode lottery' is absurd...Sometimes we can't find the postcode...and then we have to make up a different rule

"I don't care what they say - it isn't the best medicine!"

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

'If we're going to do this on the NHS, I shall have to install a CCTV camera inside your head...'

"Do you remember lifestyles of the rich and famous?"

'Is there a HMO bureaucrat in the house, so we can get permission to seek an MD in the house?'

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'If the drug has that any side effects, let's market it as a biological weapon.'

Can Government Cut Red Tape?

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

After eighteen consecutive pharmaceutical commercials, Mitch learns that if he had a heart attack caused by a completely blocked artery, another heart attack could be lurking.

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"Before you say no to this prescription, let me also say that your monthly tax-deductible gift will help support a pharmaceutical executive in need."

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

Private Health - "Why not consolidate all your ailments into one easy payment?"

Medical Insurance Co. You can't afford full-body coverage … Here's the a la carte list.

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'