Cynical Humor Collector Gifts

"It equals out. I pay alimony to Laurie and Denise, and I get alimony from Brenda and Suzanne."

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

CONGRESS, 'Oh, he doesn't just sell votes -- he also sells OPTIONS on votes.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Bert's dog training.'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

65 Million Years Ago

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

"Eat me"

Cake Free Zone

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

Easter Island Shades...

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

A watch face with Stonehenge

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'