Cynical Humor Collector Pillows

"It equals out. I pay alimony to Laurie and Denise, and I get alimony from Brenda and Suzanne."

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

CONGRESS, 'Oh, he doesn't just sell votes -- he also sells OPTIONS on votes.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Bert's dog training.'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

65 Million Years Ago

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

"Eat me"

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Cake Free Zone

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

A watch face with Stonehenge

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

Bathroom Fairy

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'Forget worms. Think fast food.'

Vanna White: The Later Years.

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'