Cynical Historian Gifts

"These days I'd settle for anyone who isn't under investigation or indicted."

Archimedes statue with a lever

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"That's right, it's @kingphilbert3rd... Yeah, with a P-H... That's him, yep, now tap "follow"..."

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"With great power comes great reward."

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Will Self deprecation

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

A caveman attempting to make a cart

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.