Cynical Historian Pillows

"These days I'd settle for anyone who isn't under investigation or indicted."

Archimedes statue with a lever

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"That's right, it's @kingphilbert3rd... Yeah, with a P-H... That's him, yep, now tap "follow"..."

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Will Self deprecation

A caveman attempting to make a cart

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.