Customer Service Guru Gifts

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

Constructive Criticism

Bank counter with pretty girl on Deposits and unpleasant cashier on Withdrawals.

'Ol everybody, joke's over - it's opening time so close up all positions except one...'

"It pains me to tell you this, but it ain't broke."

Hello, my boy. Oh, no. You've got that happy look. I solved our tech-support problem. When a customer has a computer problem, we'll do what other companies do. We'll outsource. Out of the country? Too expensive. Out of the species. Tech support.

"The pensions industry needs to dramatically improve the way we communicate with customers."

'...and don't ever unlock the left door!...'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

"...and another thing, I want to complain that you're a mannequin!"

"Of course it's half-eaten. We never return food unless we're sure we don't like it."

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Target your customer.

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

A close shave on the Titanic...

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

'We now have 28 subscription cards in every issue, but we MUST HAVE MORE!'

Early man learns that by walking upright, his hands become free to do many useful things.

'Don't worry, the dog's a sales manager!'

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

"I'm a pragmatist, Leon. Before I put a new product on the market, I ask myself, 'Will it sell?' "