Customer Service Guru Gifts

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

Constructive Criticism

Bank counter with pretty girl on Deposits and unpleasant cashier on Withdrawals.

'Ol everybody, joke's over - it's opening time so close up all positions except one...'

"It pains me to tell you this, but it ain't broke."

"The pensions industry needs to dramatically improve the way we communicate with customers."

'...and don't ever unlock the left door!...'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

"...and another thing, I want to complain that you're a mannequin!"

"Of course it's half-eaten. We never return food unless we're sure we don't like it."

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Target your customer.

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

A close shave on the Titanic...

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

Early man learns that by walking upright, his hands become free to do many useful things.

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

"I'm a pragmatist, Leon. Before I put a new product on the market, I ask myself, 'Will it sell?' "

'We now have 28 subscription cards in every issue, but we MUST HAVE MORE!'

'Don't worry, the dog's a sales manager!'

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'