Customer Experience Guru Gifts

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Target your customer.

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

"Oh, I can't complain"

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

'I was headhunted.'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"My loophole out-loopholes your loophole."

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

Now before I give you my report, I want you all to remember the word 'cycle'.

"I'm glad my team places me on a pedestal."

"I'm sure you do spend all your time here at the office, but could you please stop having your mail delivered here?"

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"We have finally achieved simplicity in our corporate organization."

"It pains me to tell you this, but it ain't broke."

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"Waiter - there's a fly in my soup."

"So what else can we get our customers to do online themselves and charge them for it?"

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

'You're not always right you know.'

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

Starting at the Bottom.

"This the nastiest email that I ever read. I want to use it as our new template."

Suggestions Box

"A big decision has to be made. Assemble all my 'yes' men."

End of the Rainbow.

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"