Customer Experience Critic Gifts

"I don't reimburse. I validate. I listen and acknowledge how difficult it was for you to find a place to park."

'You can contact us 3 ways: an email that will be trashed, a fax that will be buried, and a letter which will be lost.'

'You've got a complaint? Would you please talk to our complaints manager, sir?'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Payback Time

"Your mom's not protesting sex and violence on TV...she's taking a stand against those early Christmas ads..."

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

The economy doctor

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"So what else can we get our customers to do online themselves and charge them for it?"

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

You want tech support. This is mockery and belittlement.

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

Will take headphones off and stop ignoring people at...

Suggestions Box

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"We're shorthanded - open your own!"

'We guarantee you won't get your money back.'