Customer Experience Expert Gifts

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

'As a matter-of-fact I didn't pack my own bags...Well,well, well...Speak of the devil!'

"Our website design could be described as "organic"... in the sense that people often compare it to poop."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"Providing the kind of service the customer is paying for could be a serious hassle."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"I'd recommend this."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

"Will that be for here or to go?"

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

"This the nastiest email that I ever read. I want to use it as our new template."

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.

"Would you like your milk in a bag?"

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

The competition's customer vs our customer.

"Right, shall we delay the discussion on customer care again and look at the urgent issue of declining sales and plummeting profits."

Suggestions Box

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"I want to complain about how long I've had to queue to make my complaint."

"It won't be long - we're in the process of hiring a cook now."

"Don't you DARE argue with me you ***(****) or I'll **** your ****."

'Waiter, your tip's getting cold.'

'Why on earth did you ask the customer if there was anything else you could do for him??!'