Customer Experience Analyst Gifts

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Our website design could be described as "organic"... in the sense that people often compare it to poop."

"Here’s the thermostat. Like all hotel thermostats, it’s just for show."

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"That will be $109.85." "What! Sign says they’re $1.69 each." "Yes, and you have 65 of them."

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"For our market research, each package needs to be individually marked off and put over there."

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

Man is attacked by barcodes.

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

"This the nastiest email that I ever read. I want to use it as our new template."

'Going into business sale' at a jeweler's.

Suggestions Box

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"I want to complain about how long I've had to queue to make my complaint."

'Remember, you're NEVER a stranger in this store because we've got LOADS of shopping data on you!'

"It reminds me of the very first ad that ever swayed me into buying something I didn't really want."

"I just want Velveetaaaaaaa!"

"The customer is always right....the customer is ALWAYS right..."

'How can we see our service through our client's eyes?'

"Why don't you try THIS instead?"

Great customer care is not optional.

Friendly bank/Formal bank.

'You can contact us 3 ways: an email that will be trashed, a fax that will be buried, and a letter which will be lost.'

'In order to maintain good customer service, make sure you let someone know if you are going to the restroom.'

This Week-New And Improved

"The main difference is that if you mail it first class. . . we actually deliver it!"

'You may already be a whiner.'