Customer Conversation Analyst Gifts

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"You know, there are other emojis."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

Direct Marketing...

"It's not downsizing—it's just that we have 976 employees who have chosen to spend more time with their families."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

"I meant the dog!"

Boss and worker communicating in exclaimation marks.

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

'With my new phone I can lie out of both side of my mouth 24/7.'

The psychiatrist.

'Conglomo Corporation: Proud manufacturer of outrageously useless stuff you apparently can't live without.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

"May I air-quote you?"

'Do you get the feeling there isn't much substance in most conversations?'

'You know, sometimes I think we don't even speak the same body language.'

Man is attacked by barcodes.

"Any one of these will make the company even richer."

"We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontational verbal interfacing."

"If I could take back ninety per cent of the things I say, then I think people would know the real me."

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"I'm thinking of skipping the holidays this year, in protest." "Very good, little buddy." "I see you've read chapter 7 of 'Randy "the Rock" Taylor's Guide to Winning Respect'." "Become an admirable person by sacrificing something meaningful to you, in order to help others achieve something meaningful to them." "I'm very proud of you, young grasshopper." "I'm protesting the fact that I can't shop at H&M on Thanksgiving 'cause they'll be closed."

'Nice talking to you, but would you please excuse me? I need to get some air...'

'Remember, you're NEVER a stranger in this store because we've got LOADS of shopping data on you!'

'Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me.'

"I'm not going to lie to you, Saunders—I'm going to lie to you."