Customer Conversation Analyst T-Shirts

First day on the shop floor.

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"You know, there are other emojis."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

Direct Marketing...

Good morning, Boss. What're you going to do about it, Park? Are you just going to complain, or are you going to come up with an actionable plan. Complainers never do, Park, and doers never complain. I wasn't actually complaining. Our patrons buy 65% less cocoa on sunny days.

"It's not downsizing—it's just that we have 976 employees who have chosen to spend more time with their families."

"I meant the dog!"

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

Boss and worker communicating in exclaimation marks.

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

The psychiatrist.

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

'With my new phone I can lie out of both side of my mouth 24/7.'

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

'Conglomo Corporation: Proud manufacturer of outrageously useless stuff you apparently can't live without.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

'Do you get the feeling there isn't much substance in most conversations?'

'You know, sometimes I think we don't even speak the same body language.'

Man is attacked by barcodes.

"Any one of these will make the company even richer."

"May I air-quote you?"

"We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontational verbal interfacing."

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"If I could take back ninety per cent of the things I say, then I think people would know the real me."

"I'm thinking of skipping the holidays this year, in protest." "Very good, little buddy." "I see you've read chapter 7 of 'Randy "the Rock" Taylor's Guide to Winning Respect'." "Become an admirable person by sacrificing something meaningful to you, in order to help others achieve something meaningful to them." "I'm very proud of you, young grasshopper." "I'm protesting the fact that I can't shop at H&M on Thanksgiving 'cause they'll be closed."

'Nice talking to you, but would you please excuse me? I need to get some air...'

'Remember, you're NEVER a stranger in this store because we've got LOADS of shopping data on you!'

'Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me.'

"I'm not going to lie to you, Saunders—I'm going to lie to you."