Customer Care Critic Gifts

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"Thank you for calling the honesty foundation, your call in unimportant to us, so leave a message for us to laugh at when you hear the tone..."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"Your mom's not protesting sex and violence on TV...she's taking a stand against those early Christmas ads..."

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

The economy doctor

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

"We emphasize personal service. Our broker-client ratio is three to one."

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

The competition's customer vs our customer.

"Right, shall we delay the discussion on customer care again and look at the urgent issue of declining sales and plummeting profits."

"I think I speak for all of us."

Will take headphones off and stop ignoring people at...

"One more remark like that, lady, and you'll never get to see this show."

Suggestions Box

'I just pop down to Pediatrics when I need a bit of nursing care.'

"We're shorthanded - open your own!"

"Don't you DARE argue with me you ***(****) or I'll **** your ****."

'We guarantee you won't get your money back.'

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