Customer Service Critique Lover Gifts

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"We emphasize personal service. Our broker-client ratio is three to one."

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

Nutty Assistants

"I'd recommend this."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"Will that be for here or to go?"

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

'Could you show me something that's more feature laden?'

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

The competition's customer vs our customer.

Fake Diplomas

"Right, shall we delay the discussion on customer care again and look at the urgent issue of declining sales and plummeting profits."

"One more remark like that, lady, and you'll never get to see this show."