Customer Service Critique Lover Pillows

I see that the management wants some customer feedback

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Payback Time

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"We emphasize personal service. Our broker-client ratio is three to one."

Nutty Assistants

You want tech support. This is mockery and belittlement.

"I'd recommend this."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"Will that be for here or to go?"

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

'Could you show me something that's more feature laden?'

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

The competition's customer vs our customer.

Fake Diplomas

"Right, shall we delay the discussion on customer care again and look at the urgent issue of declining sales and plummeting profits."