Customer Care Guru Gifts

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

"Wait a minute - these are just the Ten Commandments of great customer service."

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Target your customer.

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

A close shave on the Titanic...

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

'I was headhunted.'

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

'Don't worry, the dog's a sales manager!'

"I'm a pragmatist, Leon. Before I put a new product on the market, I ask myself, 'Will it sell?' "

'We now have 28 subscription cards in every issue, but we MUST HAVE MORE!'

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

"My loophole out-loopholes your loophole."

"Yes, we do have an incentive scheme - fall below that line and you're sacked."

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.