Customer Care Guru Gifts

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

"Wait a minute - these are just the Ten Commandments of great customer service."

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Target your customer.

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

I'm organizing the house. Can I help? Do you have any storage bins for stuff we don't use very often? Hold on. I have just the thing! Thanks, mom.

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

A close shave on the Titanic...

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

'I was headhunted.'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

'We now have 28 subscription cards in every issue, but we MUST HAVE MORE!'

'Don't worry, the dog's a sales manager!'

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

"I'm a pragmatist, Leon. Before I put a new product on the market, I ask myself, 'Will it sell?' "

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

"My loophole out-loopholes your loophole."

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.

'Why not Google it?'