Cucumber Craftsman Gifts

This is NOT 'nipping out'.

Counting ribs

The Vineyard

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"You took that news with dignity and grace. I really wanted you to spaz out."

Bad Interview Technique

'Are you sure you brought the right flat pack?'

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

'Bob likes to express himself through his art!'

'Slices Mandy! Just slices!'

Jar wars

'After a hard day hunting, I relax by working my patch of green stuff.'

'Yes, Ralph, they are nuts, but...'

"Hold still, it's a programme about making your own tv cabinet."

'McWit never could build anything level.'

"Yes...it may not be the Ritz, Rupert old chum but it's all good home cooked fare!"

'Mind if I join you? I told your wife that if she didn't like the way I cook, she could have a run at it herself.'

"I spent twelve years making this. Where's MY award?"

"My biggest problem is squatters."

"All this mold is a good sign that our marketing content is getting a little stale."

Tools of the Trade

A mason making a peanut butter sandwich.

Policeman wishing for lighter food than meat in hot weather

'So how come at home you only make sandwiches?'

Young Picasso In Woodshop

'I roll my own E-cigarettes."

'Irvin's so proud. He made the New York Times' best cellars list.'

"Sorry, you must have a tie."

This streaming TV cooking series lets you watch a year's episodes all at once, or at any pace you like. It's "season to taste"!

Copywriter for Deodorant Commercials

You know, just because the restaurant operates at 30 percent capacity doesn't mean you do.

'Here's all that stuff I used in that demonstration, but for Pete's sake, don't try it at home!'

"What ... oh my god ... what did she put in the sandwiches!"

"Your condition is a result of a very fertile imagination."

He's useless at DIY."