Criminal Justice Humor Gifts

"They found me guilty, but I beat the point spread!"

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

Antonin Scalia

"Impartiality becomes you."

'I wonder what the statue of limitations is on something like this?'

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

'Oh great, a machine with an attitude.'

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

Judge

"We find the defendant 'guilty', …. not that there's anything wrong with that."

'I warned you counselor, no more tricks.'

"Guilty times infinity."

"So, I’d love for us to think of this as less of a trial and more of a curated trial experience."

"As a mitigating circumstance, may I say that my client's getaway car was a hybrid."

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

'Sometimes I wish Daddy wasn't a bankruptcy lawyer. No matter what book he reads to me, he's only interested in chapter 11.'

Quasi-legal Pad.

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- Guns don't have power surges!'

'Hello, Mum!'

"He's my attorney, whatever happened to attorney-client privilege?"

A barrister with his first brief

'I like my plea bargain better. I plead guilty and you dismiss the charges.'