Criminal Justice Humorists Gifts

"I've rented the extra room to an escaped convict - maybe you know him."

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

This government special reserve fund is like a cookie jar for crooked cronies!

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

"Impartiality becomes you."

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

The Mafia Goes Green.

"One soft drink and eleven stiff drinks."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

Judge

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

'Hello, Mum!'

"Your honor, I'd like to request a new defense attorney!"

'Me, I'm here for perjury: I said I couldn't remember while under oath...'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"My client can't help his verbal obfuscation. He's suffering from straightforwardness dysfunctionality."

"We need two crates of lager and a bottle of scotch."

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'Guilty? Do you realize what that will do to my 'Who's Who' listing?'

'I'm sentencing you to 100 hours of community service. Be at Twin Lakes Country Club at 8am sharp. I need a caddy.'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'Your honor, we find the defendant not guilty, but we sure wouldn't let our daughters go out with him!'

Cuffwear, 2004

"Just to clarify for the court; is that a 'moo moo here' or a 'moo moo there'?"

"I wasn't texting or eating and there's no law saying I can't juggle."

"My client was unaware that public waste disposal places exist, as she only watches TRASH on the television."