Crime Humorist Gifts

'Our first laundered dollar.'

Police artist drawing a snarling dog while an injured cat desribes him

'Just your credit cards. I don't feel safe carrying cash these days.'

'People just don't understand that a bad man's hard to find, too.'

Bank robber of the month: Burt Dillson.

"You realise that's conspiracy to pervert the horse of justice."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'What do you say to the nice man?'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

Bank Robber Queue.

'I got my experience for this doorman job as a lookout for my old gang.'

'You've escaped once too often haven't you?'

"Let's all write down one fun fact about where we like to bury bodies and then we'll try to guess whose is whose."

The Mafia Goes Green.

'See, Son? We're able to keep our overhead down because we eliminate the middleman.'

Man to mugger pointing finger as a gun: 'Hang on, is that an imitation firearm?'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'I can't believe you gave the bank a receipt.'

'Identity theft -- what about you?'

Cuffwear, 2004

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

Cop Shop: Bulk, dried blood, shaved hair, ground teeth, assorted body parts and bone fragments.

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'