True Crime Humorist Gifts

"In the movie about the New York prison escapees, I'd like to see Jack Nicholson as Richard Matt and Woody Harrelson as David Sweat."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

Cop Shop: Bulk, dried blood, shaved hair, ground teeth, assorted body parts and bone fragments.

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'Click it or ticket.'

"You have to let me make my own mistakes."

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

The Mafia Goes Green.

"The big one dropped his weapon, but keep an eye on the little one. I think he's still armed."

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

Sweet Jailbreak

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

Rollercoaster police chase.

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

One lobster has another in hand cuffs.

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."