Crime-solving Comedian Gifts

'Ha ha ha...That's the funniest one yet! Man, we should've hired a cartoonist to do our police sketches years ago!'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

The Brains of the Outfit

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

"Do you know what time they open love?"

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Everyone we know is escaping and you sit there doing nothing."

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'