Crime-solving Comedian Gifts

'Ha ha ha...That's the funniest one yet! Man, we should've hired a cartoonist to do our police sketches years ago!'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

The Brains of the Outfit

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Everyone we know is escaping and you sit there doing nothing."

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

I thought you might want to color it in. Color chalk. 1 1 1 2 1 1 4 4 5 5

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

Messing Up My Metrics