Crime Comedist Gifts

Mugger's cat.

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

The Mafia Goes Green.

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Money or your beard!"

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Everyone we know is escaping and you sit there doing nothing."

Messing Up My Metrics

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

The Brains of the Outfit