Crime Comedist Gifts

Mugger's cat.

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Do you know what time they open love?"

The Brains of the Outfit

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."