Crime Comedy Gifts

Bank. Uh-huh

Spokane County Police Department

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

Organised Crime / Disorganised Crime

"We nick handbags for the contents, not because they'll 'compliment' your new winter jumper!"

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

"I said freeze, punk, I didn't mean literally!"

Robber on treadmill

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'Not much cop are you!'

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'Did he say anything before he died?'

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'