Comedy Crime Gifts

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

Robber on treadmill

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'Not much cop are you!'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

For the last time, officer, I'm absolutely, positively sure it was number four.

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I want to report a race crime.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'