Crime Comicality Gifts

'And what makes you think you're being followed?'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

Robber on treadmill

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"I want to report a race crime.'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

Messing Up My Metrics

'Hello, Mum!'

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

Piñata police line-up.

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."