Comedy Criminal Gifts

Robber on treadmill

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'Not much cop are you!'

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

For the last time, officer, I'm absolutely, positively sure it was number four.

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'

Good Mop, Bad Mop.

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"