Crime Comedy Fan Gifts

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

"Gimme your money. And a long-term, value-oriented investment strategy."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'He guessed your credit card number... 1.'

Honest Ernie's E-Z Money Laundering

'Look, we don't want any trouble! All we ask is that you sign this release form in case you get hurt while you burglarize our house.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'He's working undercover to find out 'what up' with youth gangs.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'Okay, sir, can you identify the spam?'

"I'm only doing this place to pay for my home content's insurance."

The Hospital Patient

'Here comes the warden. Let's see you try to dance your way out of this one.'

Early Identity Theft

'And I want that in small, unmarked gift cards!'

"Where's your wheelchair access?"

'Birds disappear all the time. Maybe it flew south. I dunno. Why would I lie? I'm already serving nine life sentences.'

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"Hands up or the mask comes off!"

Thief pushing a man into the operating theatre, a sign on the wall says: Thieves Operating In This Area

"Hey you! C'mere and hold up this guy's pants while I go through his pockets."

'Look out! He's got a 45!'

'Police? I'm being stalked.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I want you to go give those Herrings a warning to stay off our turf... leave this packet of chips on their doorstep.'

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

Thief uses stolen vacuum to suck up diamond rings.

"Change of plans. You grab the money – I'll bury it."

'Forget the early withdrawal penalty. What I'm taking out, I didn't put in!'

'Eddy Penguin? I'm not sure, officer... Can you desctibe him?'

"We know you buried the evidence and we're gonna find it."

"I believe the old lady was ahead of you."

"Sure, I take credit cards. Wait here while I max it out.""

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'

'We'd like to take it for a test drive.'