Crime Comedy Fan Pillows

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

"Gimme your money. And a long-term, value-oriented investment strategy."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'He guessed your credit card number... 1.'

Honest Ernie's E-Z Money Laundering

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'Okay, sir, can you identify the spam?'

'He's working undercover to find out 'what up' with youth gangs.'

"I'm only doing this place to pay for my home content's insurance."

"Hands up or the mask comes off!"

'Birds disappear all the time. Maybe it flew south. I dunno. Why would I lie? I'm already serving nine life sentences.'

The Hospital Patient

"Where's your wheelchair access?"

'Here comes the warden. Let's see you try to dance your way out of this one.'

'And I want that in small, unmarked gift cards!'

Early Identity Theft

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"Tommy, when ya gonna start doing your own laundry?"

"I believe the old lady was ahead of you."

"We know you buried the evidence and we're gonna find it."

'Eddy Penguin? I'm not sure, officer... Can you desctibe him?'

'Police? I'm being stalked.'

"It's COVID mate, we prefer contactless for muggings these days."

'Look out! He's got a 45!'

'I'll sell you the gun in my back pocket for one million.'

Library Hold Up with Silencers

'Donut shop is down the hall to your right - and I'm not answering any more questions without my lawyer present.'

'Forget the early withdrawal penalty. What I'm taking out, I didn't put in!'

'We'd like to take it for a test drive.'

"Sure, I take credit cards. Wait here while I max it out.""

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'Money laundering is stupid! -- Every time I try it, the stuff just falls apart!'

"Change of plans. You grab the money – I'll bury it."

'I want you to go give those Herrings a warning to stay off our turf... leave this packet of chips on their doorstep.'